Oy vey, dramatic Lolo. Sorry about that, I'm on serious drugs because I'm siiiiiicccckkkk as a doooooggggggg.

What do you do when there's no where to GO to get away from being sad? When there's no way to make it stop, but you need it to stop because it's unbearable?

I think someone is reading this who shouldn't, so I'm going to clear some matters up. When I said a few weeks ago that I was thinking about Cody a lot, I meant it in a REGRETFUL, LOOKING-BACK kind of way, NOT a REALITY kind of way. Capiche? Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I think a lot about what might have been and why I did the things I did, etc. A lot. But I DO NOT think that Cody and I have a future. Haven't thought that for about a year now. I ain't stupid, though I know I do a very good imitation sometimes. Let's just do this one more time; I think about what MIGHT have been but ISN'T GOING TO BE. Thanks. I hope everyone understands that.

I mean, I'm MOVING to THAILAND, for shit's sake.

I take Effexor XR daily to keep from getting depressed, but I think it's blocking all deep thoughts or feelings. Except frustration that my parents won't let me spend this last month and a half in leisure. I'm about to begin the absolute hardest thing I've ever done, hands down, alone in Asia, and it won't kill me or my parents for me to have a little down time, a little friend time, before I leave. Sheesh.

I've been thinking about Cody a lot recently. The last couple of weeks especially. I mean, I always think about him, but he's been on my mind even more recently. I find myself telling perfectly nice boys all about this relationship and all these great things about my ex-boyfriend, and they give me this look. . .I can't believe I'm that girl. The hung-up girl, the emotional baggage girl. Maybe I've been listening to too many love songs. AOL has a "Wedding Music" radio channel that I like. . .but maybe that is not a good thing. The farther I get away from that relationship, the more I miss it. It's the opposite of what should be happening- I'm not getting over it, getting philosophical, understanding why it didn't work. I'm getting even sadder about it. . .and I start thinking "Oh God, what if he was the One, the love of my life, yada yada, and I screwed it up so monumentally?" Am I going to be that girl, the one who ruins the only good thing that's ever happened to her, then spends the rest of her life regretting it? I wish life were more like a movie, because you know that Cody and I would get back together eventually. To the accompaniment of violins and fireworks, in formal wear.

The parents and I had an adventure the other night. 17-year-old Bo was supposed to be home at 1 am, hadn't gotten home or called by 4, and didn't answer his phone either. Long story short, he'd lost his car keys at the beach, and instead of finding a pay phone he spent hours searching for them. Or so he says.

Which brings me to the real thing I want to talk about, which is lying. I had a horrible bone-chilling, stomach-turning thought the next morning, as my mom and I were discussing whether we believed his story. He's a notoriously gifted liar and rationalizer. And I thought, did he learn all this from me?

I am also a gifted liar and I've done a lot of it over the years. I try very hard not to lie about anything now, but it wasn't too long ago that I saw it as a convenient way to get out of stuff. Didn't think of it as a moral thing. And wouldn't it be horrible, now that I recognize lying as a mean and selfish thing to do, and not the mark of a good person, for the same trait to come out in my brother, because of me? I mean, does he think it's okay, think it's the way to live, because I lived like that? I don't mean that he looks up to me, or anything, but he can't have helped seeing all the trouble I got out of, all the fights I avoided, because I was untruthful. I just hope he saw the way the consequences came back twice as bad and bit me in the butt.